MONALISA*

"the realest shit i ever wrote." - pac

“funny, when i first arrived, i did feel like i was above & beyond it all. not impressed by the cramped studio. turned off by the chain smoking. amused and slightly annoyed by the opinionatedness. observant of the masked insecurity. questioning the race-fueled remarks. cautious of the mr. nice guy. offended by the former gang-banger with a penchant for the word “bitch”. critical of the unkempt surroundings. bored with the shallow conversation. curious about the worldly comments yet not stimulated enough to engage. sensitive to the cat-piss smell and camel cigarettes. tired of dumbing myself down to get a point across. noticing that without a black & mild, bong, blunt or beats, i had little urge to participate in the circular rituals. ones that went on too long and frequent to be productive.

it was i who deemed myself above it and now my high self-regard has mutated into a low unworthiness. i know there is a grey area but all i see is #FFF & #000. i sense that i’m either right or wrong, but have no idea how to determine which is which.

what i CAN do is continue to walk around with my head held high. to laugh, to smile, to bat my eyelashes & switch my hips. fuck who’s watching. i can continue to read on my porch and spend as much time outdoors as possible. to make my presence known and respected, not just accepted. just as i must deal with them, they must also deal with me. my incredibleness, my radiance, my light, is too much to hide indoors. i can invite my own friends & family over instead of constantly introducing myself to names & faces that will soon be forgotten both ways. i can continue to play with the neighbors’ children, to learn more about them and use them as reminders that i’m a role model. a flipside to the the beer-sipping, bong-hitting, chain-smoking, foul-mouthed examples they see daily that treat them like accessories. and to take pride in myself for the beautiful black woman i am, reminding myself that not only do i represent she, i represent them - an entire nation of people who don’t need to bow down to anyone. kings & queens in their own right who don’t need to beg for mercy, pity or attention.

and in writing this, i have found strength, confidence, and pride that i had forgotten even existed. the type that can take a problem, turn it upside down on its head and spank the shit out of it. “bad thought. bad, bad thought.” and send it on its way. reminding myself that i am the girl who uses words as weapons, the pen as a sword and who bleeds the ink of a scholar, not the blood of a martyr (i see you, lupe).

and most important, i’ve discovered a peace of mind that could never be obtained externally. only by searching and seeking the answers within self was i able to ease the doubt in my mind that i was somehow, not enough or too much. when in fact, i am just right.

just wrong. just left. just up. just down. but most of all, i’m just me.

take me or leave me the fuck be.”

via livejournal (friends only)