yesterday, i handed out keys to doors i had kept locked away for the past decade.
i confessed my love & acceptance for the one that got away. i admitted wrongs & leftover guilt to my right hand. i shared my fears & paranoia with a confidante.
i revealed my “number” to a lover along with a dozen stories from my past, and watched as he painfully absorbed years & years of heartache, naiveté, mistrust, shame & confusion. experiments in all types of conditional love - from self-serving to unrequited - on a quest for the unconditional.
instead of finally convincing him that i’m as fcked up as i’ve proclaimed to be, he finally understood my extremes of aversion & surrender, sympathizing over my misguidance. encouraging the type of forgiveness i’d never allowed myself or anyone else.
i admit it feels odd traveling without my emotional cargo, but peace-of-mind is the perfect carry-on.
taken @ coloft.
i’m quickly approaching 25…a number that can’t be divided in half, thankfully. i feel like i’ve taken pride in splitting my life in half. like a fckn horcrux (harry potter, reference. move along, there’s nothing to see here).
being born on the cusp between leo & virgo. being being bicoastal. (struggling at) being bilingual. being left brained & right brained. being a freelancer & corporate workerbee. i even tried to train myself to be ambidextrous when i was little. i had a whole composition notebook dedicated to left-handwriting.
i long to feel as one whole, crisp dollar again. instead of two sides of an invaluable coin in a pocket full of spare change.
for once, i’d love to be indivisible. just me. not divided by 2, 3 or multiples of 5.
almost…